2017 07 30
I get OUT regularly. I put a LOT of effort in to my presentation. I want to blend in, be respectful of women, give the impression at even one glance that I am not doing this as a fetish, not to appear as if I am seeking some kind of sexual thrill. Not trying to attract any attention. Sorta like a transperson, just trying to be themselves. Even though in the strictest sense I am not trans. But aren’t we are all trans to some extent? Except maybe a few percent at the extreme cis end of the spectrum. For them it could only be to the extent of the old “getting in touch with his feminine side” comment heard so many times over millennia.
I get asked a lot of questions. One of the most frequently asked questions is “Why?” Frequently stated as just one word. If more than one word, phrased as a question asking permission first like “May I ask,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Why?” Virtually always asked by a woman. Usually answered by me with “Why not?”. Sometimes answered by “Have you ever looked in the Men’s Clothing Department?” Occasionally by me saying something like it is just some goofy fun, even though it is more than that to just about all of us.
The odd thing is that in the nearly five years I have been doing this, maybe once a guy asked Why? Interestingly enough equaling the exact number of times a guy, a different one, told me that he understood exactly why because he had done it himself. This is from a guy who did not say he was a CDer, and he likely would have said so under the circumstances. I do get guys who are deep closet CDers that say they understand, but they are CDers and would be happy to confide, so no surprise there.
Anyway these gals were walking from the club that I had just stepped out of for a bit of cool air. I held out m arm to welcome them in to the photo and they jumped at the chance, all smiles and giggles. So sweet. Then the one with the black top asked “Why?”. With a serious look. This time I told her that I was poking fun at society and it’s conventions. After all that is a small part of the Why? for me.
But really. Well I do it because I needed an escape. I have been doing this for almost five years now. When I started I was all burned out at work. I had been working 3000 hours for years. Been traveling for work 200 days a year for twenty years. HUGE responsibility. HUGE risks. HUGE problems to solve, that was why they paid ne a HUGE wage. But I was burned out. I HATED being away from my SO. Hated the hotels. But I LOVED the work, the problem solving, the feeling of accomplishment each time I “saved the day” or made a prediction that came true. But I was getting tired of the sacrifices. One of my kids is everything you could dream of. Hard working, frugal, financially conservative, kind, courteous, respectful. My other kid is all but the last. And it follows through to her children (my grandchildren) and her husband. I was at one time very close to them, but the disrespect finally overwhelmed me and I withdrew. All these things boiled over and the crossdressing had already offered an escape. An imaginary life where everything could be party time and perfect. A shrink would have a field day with me over that. I know it is all a crutch. It is probably some kind of self medication with some kind of endorphin. Fortunately it isn’t ruling my life. It had never taken first place over my life, my SO owns that position. Always will. GAWD how I love her! Just looking at her makes everything seem all right with the world.
So if she is so much, why does CDing help? I haven’t got that far yet. Maybe because the creative side of me needs an outlet. Maybe because the feminine side of me needs an outlet, but if so this is a minor part because I never was cursed with being a man in a woman’s body. I got off easy, with less transgender genes than others. And I hold them in high esteem for their bravery! More likely the WHY is just down to doing something different, creative, breaking some cultural rules, experiencing the world from a totally different perspective.
I rarely go out enfemme with my SO. When she is with me and I am enfemme, I feel awkward, I miss the kissing and holding, and the easy fun we have together. I would rather be enguy when with her because I am always kissing her, hugging her, and holding her hand. I am so grateful to be hers. But I can tell you this for sure. When I am with her enguy I never think about CDing. And when I am enfemme I always think about missing her, except the rare time when she is with me.
I have a LOT of fun with her six days a week.
I have a lot of fun as Billie one day a week. And even then I miss my SO.
I am VERY fortunate to be at the CD level that I am at. VERY fortunate to not be trans. VERY fortunate to be content with 1/7 instead of 2/7 – 7/7! Very fortunate that, although not a fetish to me, CDing is still more FUN than NEED. BUT there is a benefit that may have something to do with the need, and that is I am happier now being a guy because I am so NOT by default, rather I am a guy because I CHOOSE to be a guy. I say this in this way because I could have the SRS, the hormones, the other life. But it isn’t in me. I got lucky and was spared the path the brave ones must take.
As for a definitive and all encompassing WHY? I am still working on that answer.
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