2017 05 10

I took piano lessons for a LONG time when I was a kid.  “The best” teacher available.  I went twice a week.  Once a week I gave up my lunch period to walk a half mile each way for my abuselession.  I would sit there and play my lesson songs while hizzhonor would eat his lunchbreakfast.  The great man.  Always scrambled eggs.  Eating with his mouth open.  Like a cement mixer with yellow concrete.  Me fasting through the once weekly torture.  To this day I can’t look at anyone eating with their mouth open.  EEEEWWWWWW!!!!  GROSS!

The other weekly groupabuse was with six other sods every Wednesday evening.  Ever notice how short a week can be?

He was abusive.

Especially Wednesday evening.

He sat at a spinet and we sat in an arc to either side and behind him.  Each positioned so our hands were readily accessible at just an arm’s length plus the three feet of a yardstick from his honor.  Playing little half keyboard kid sized uprights.  Six of us.  We were in an arc with each keyboard forming a spoke out from his position as the hub.  Ostensibly so he could see our hands.  Looked like a half daisy flower from above, where the angels of mercy hid their faces from us.  The real reason for the positioning was more sinister.

We “played” finger exercises.  Over. And. Over. And. Over. And Over.  Faster. And. Faster. And. Faster. He would lead.  We had to keep up. 1-3-2-4-3-5  5-3-4-2-3-1 and again 1-3-2-4-3-5  5-3-4-2-3-1 each time moving up the keyboard one key.  Then when at the end, moving down one key.  Faster.  Faster.  Until the first one missed a key.  I remember looking on in relief when it was someone else.  Looking in fear at his eminence when it was me.

The reason for positioning the supplicants, their keyboards, his location, the distance all became obvious.

WHACK!  You missed a key, he hit your hands with a yard stick.  He held it up in the air as we played.  Ready.  So there was NO time to pull our hands off the keyboard after the errant key.  Occasionally he would whack by mistake.  Maybe a twitch.  Maybe we were having a tiny bit of fun, not allowed.   Maybe a twitch of a smile in the corner of some poor sod’s lips.  The first one to make a mistake, WHACK, then start all over again.  Over and over and over.  NO songs.  Just finger exercises.

And then when I went home, my dad would make me sit and play, over and over, an old song I hated.  I remember it still.  A waltz.  I HATED IT!  The Black Danube Waltz.  I wanted to play, by any means, some adaptation of current top 40 radio hits.  The much feared Rock and Roll!    Wooooohhhhoooooo!!!!!  (Spooky music in the background).

I wanted to play for my own happiness.  The adults in my life took that away from me and made me play in a way that they thought I should play.  In those days a kid couldn’t play for fun and enjoyment.  It HAD to be for a reason, THEIR reason.  Not fun.  For LEARNING.

I never wanted to play the piano.  I wanted a guitar.  But my dad said “Learn the XXXX first and if you do well with that then maybe.”  I understand now.  Rock and Roll was to be feared as a degenerate influence.  The church was certainly against it.  Like they are nowadays with the T in LGBTQ.  Each time they lose a battle against common sense and decency they reposition.  So I was wanting a guitar meanwhile having to go through violin, clarinet, piano, and Hawaiian Guitar (which is like playing a country “music” slide ass guitar.  Might as well destroy my musical ambitions with that image.  All of the instrument choices were determined by what we could get for free.  I would have told my kid, you want a guitar?  OK here’s how you can get one.  Start saving your money.  Mow lawns.  Shovel snow.  Help extra around the house, more than your regular chores.  When you get to half of the guitar cost, we will chip in half.  So it would have been a lesson in how to earn what we want, saving, and sticking with it.  And when I would have gotten that guitar, I would have had some skin in the game so I wouldn’t have lost interest.

But NO.  It had to be circuitous.  And as a kid, I soon realized that the goal my superiors had was entirely different from my goal.  I just wanted to play for fun.  That was out of my reach.

Eventually my parents caught on that I was having some kind of issue going to that guys house.  Or the price was too high for the results, even though he was “a concert pianist”.  WOO HOO.  A license to hurt boys?  So they sent me to a different teacher, an old matronly grandmother type.  “Float your corks” she would admonish in a Mrs Doubtfire voice.  She wanted me to play with my fingers vertical from the tip to the first knuckle.  And I would be tortured to play crap like Mary Had a Little (goddammed fukin) Lamb and other inane crap.  I wanted to play ROCK AND ROLL!!!!  And those finger exercises.  Geezzzeee!!!!  Would I never see the end of them.  Now without a yard stick.  But with Mrs Doubtfire gently coaching “This is up, this is down, this is up n’ down.”  Then switching to a masculine Mrs Doubfire and saying in a deep voice ‘This is down, this is up, this is down n’ up.”  Over and over.

Damaged for life.

Anyway I finally was paroled, at twelve, after serving six years due to lack of funds and dismal results.

Back when all books were treasure, tightly piled layers of paper between cardboard covers and protected by colorful paper “jackets”.  Expensive or from the library, where all of my reads came from.  And I read voraciously.  There was a Dr Seuss book from back then, in the dark ages.  “The 5000 Fingers of DR T”

About an evil man who destroyed all the musical instruments in the world save for his 5000 key piano.  He lured poor unsuspecting boys in to his lair and forced them to play.  While each victim was wearing a hat with a rubber hand sticking up.  I saw this as a movie when I was a kid.  It lives with me in my core.  It was my LIFE!  Teen drugs?  Drinking?  No way!  I was fucked UP by a DR Seuss story!  And a yardstick.

CAUTION!  Video contains images of graphic child abuse.  Be advised that viewing may cause extreme mental anguish, sleep disorders, and adverse reactions to classical music!

People speculate all the reasons why someone ends up all fucked up.  Let me tell you, there are LOTS of opportunities to screw up a kid.  And given the freedom, people seem to find ways to take advantage of these opportunities.  Eventually you have a crossdresser running around going EEEEKKKKK! whenever she is brought near a keyboard or even worse, a beanie with a rubber hand attached to the top!  So my excuse for CDing is all down to keyboards, yardsticks, and beanies with rubber hands.

Stuck in the “this is up, this is down”.

Escalators are up, down, upNdown to me.  A link to my troubled past?  I think I find some kind of release by riding escalators.  Up, Down, Up Down.  I can’t tell for sure.  Probably because my hands hurt around them.  It is sort of a relief/pain dichotomy.  Up.  Down. Up n’ down.

This is up
This is down.

Feel free to leave comments on this blog.  You may also tell me if you prefer that your comments be private.  As the all powerful blogger I get to decide what shows up on the blog.  Compliments are appreciated.  Suggestions are encouraged.  Criticism will result in an army of minions beating down your door.  (Just kidding!)

You can also email me at

The Grand Illusions website is at:



A MAJOR MILESTONE or How I Got In To This In The First Place

From 2015/10/12 with a significant addition today 2017 05 09

Just for you Alex

Three years ago (update to Four years ago) September 30th 2012 was the first time I ever heard of crossdressing.  No kidding.  Until then I thought it was just guys joking around, comedy.  The Scottville Clown Band.  No idea at all.  Never looked in to it.  Never gave it a thought.

Three years ago (update to Four years ago) October 11th 2012 was the first time I ever crossdressed.

Three years ago (update to Four years ago) October 12th 2012 was the first time I ever went OUT enfemme.

It all happened only because………………………………………….

I was just looking for a photography studio to take some classy, tasteful, glamour photographs of my wife because she has really gotten herself in to shape. She needs to see herself as I see her. I stumbled upon an entirely different category of glamour photography for something I did not even know existed, crossdressing men! Some of the places that do it called it a “transformation”. I had never imagined this existed, it wasn’t even on my radar. But the funny thing is for some reason that seemed like something fun and exciting.

So I did some more searching and found that there are a LOT of places doing this “transformation” thing all over the world. I also found transformation places in Chicago, Milwaukee, Ohio, and even in Texas. The Texans are probably doing transformations from cowboy to cow girl but they probably use red holsters, pretty little .6 shooters, and a pink something.   (To the thousands of cow whatever readers: Please don’t send angry letters, I admit I might be wrong.) Not only are there a lot of transformation studios, there are also probably a hundred businesses throughout the US providing supplies to this “industry”. There are regular gatherings in larger cities and even nationally advertised conventions. I found support groups and places that host “Girls Night Out”. So there is a lot of stuff going on, all for guys dressed as women. Believe me that some of these guys, if they were women, would be HOT! But they are still guys. I had NO idea. I toyed with the idea of getting my picture taken. One thing was certain: If I was going to do anything it would have to be a secret from everyone but my wife and it would have to be somewhere else because there was nothing like this anywhere in Michigan. Also I would have a lot to lose if I was exposed because crossdressing could cost me my job, reputation, even my relationship with my family.

With those obstacles I just dropped it. I dropped the thought, only a little disappointed. Life went on as always, as usual, all gray, blue, black and brown in cotton and denim. Boring.

Until less than a month later and all but by accident………………………………

Now look at me!






First Time OUT Enfemme Just Four Years Ago
2017 05 09
Continued from A Major Milestone For Me Part A 2015 10 12
A long time in the making or I just forgot about a Blog entry completed and saved, but not published so long ago.

More background info:

I was a late bloomer, started later than most, if not all.  I didn’t dream about this all my life.  I found out about CDing accidentally.  I do this for fun.  I am happily married and told my SO about it before I started.  I keep no secrets from her.  I had it easy compared to most.

As I said, I was looking for a place to get glamor photos taken of my wife.  She is the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world to me.  She is not only a feminine wonder but also a pilot, rides motorcycle, races boats, has run a successful business, and since working for a company, makes them 2.5Million$ per year.  Smart, kind, faithful, beautiful, sexy, everything to me.  But to her, she sees flaws where there aren’t any.  So anyway I thought I she should get pictures to see how I see her.

I found a place.  Holland Photo Studios.  And Holland is just a short drive west of Grand Rapids.  The photos were AMAZING!  The poses, wardrobe, makeup, set, everything fabulous.  And the women were regular women, not models, who looked FANTASTIC!  So I thought a great find for her.  They have videos of the photoshoots.  I clicked on one…………………………………………………………………………………..…………………..


I couldn’t believe it!!!!!  THEY WERE GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

??And it looked like FUN!!!!!!!!!??????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where did THAT come from????  I NEVER ever thought about crossdressing!????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????!!!!!

I showed my wife and told her that it looked like fun.  The usual feminine look of “nutty man”.  And it ended right there.  WHY?

BECAUSE Holland Photo Studios was in Holland, Rotterdam, THE NETHERLANDS!  NOT Holland, Michigan.  It would have cost me $6000.00!!!!!  That is NOT being financially responsible.  I found that they called it a “transformation”.  I had not heard of this before so I Googled it and found that there are services like this, to one extent or another, scattered all over the civilized world.   And then gave up on the idea as too costly.  The nearest was quite a ways away, at least one that looked equally professional, TG Miss in Racine, Wisconsin.  (I eventually ended up going there and had the time of my life! But that’s another story.)

I travel for work.  There was a transformation service in one of the towns I regularly travel to.  About a month later I was in that town for work, the job finished early, my flight wasn’t out for two days, the rental car, hotel, meals, and flight were paid for.  And I would be getting paid while having the transformation.  I had not preplanned this.  I called them and asked if I could stop in and check them out for a future trip.  The response was kinda offputting.  “We don’t do walkins, but if you want to stop in and just check us out, then OK.  But I won’t be able to spend any time with you because I have a gal coming in for a transformation.”  So I mentally wrote that off.

An hour later they called and said that the scheduled transformation had cancelled.  Would I like to come in for a transformation?  OMG!  I was NOT NOTNOT that far yet.  But what the heck, it was never going to be cheaper.  So I went for it.  That day.Right then.Unplanned, sort of accidental.

She was busy arranging an event for the next evening, we got started late, she was able to do only one of the three makeup styles and one of the three outfits.  So she suggested we resume the next morning.  And so we did.  Then she let me spend the day trying on clothes!  She had a room the size of a two car garage full of clothes and I got to try on as many as I wanted!!!!

Mid afternoon she asked me what I was doing that evening, I had no plans.  So she suggested I join them for the event, an OUTing.

WHAT?!!!???  OMG!!!  I was NOT anywhere near that page yet.  But what the h311?Paid for so it would never be cheaper.  So she got me ready, loaded me in the minivan, and off we went!!!!  We went OUT right down main street.  I was in the whole kit.  Right through all the people, in to a club, and dancing.  As part of an entourage of six.For me a comforting perimeter.


Less than 24 hours after my first ever dressing, I was OUT enfemme in the general public.

This set the pattern for my CDing thereafter.  I always go OUT, don’t know anything to do with CDing other than dolling myself up and going OUT, like out walking around, the mall, restaurants, EVERYTHING.  And it just seems right.

I have always gone OUT.

Our Group routinely takes new gals for their first time OUT enfemme.  Find someone or a Group to help you.  In the right city and with the right people going to the right places, you will at first feel EXPOSED, VULNERABLE, SCARED, and then in an hour or so you will just feel like it is the most natural thing.  And exposed, vulnerable, nervous, happy.

I go OUT enfemme regularly.  I take three or four outfits and change every few hours during the day.  Last time I was OUT I tried on a few blazers right next to the racks in a few of the stores.  Tried on dresses, skirts, suits in the dressing rooms.  I found some GREAT buys!

This is SUCH FUN!

You can email me at

The Grand Illusions website is at:



DRAB TO FABulous 2017

2017 05 08

DRAB to FABulous is a multi day celebration of being Enfemme And OUT.


Hat $1.50 from GWs with additional sash
Spring Coat $7.99 from GWs
Skirt $2.99 from GWs
Shoes $19.00 from Ebay


Imagine a bunch of gals (GGs) doing a long weekend in The City.  There’s going to be lots of gabbing, giggling, salads with chicken, shopping, posing, trying on skirts dresses tops and for sure shoes.  Plus dancing, clubbing, and drinks that are sweet and colorful.  Or white wine.  With no hard and fast schedule.  Doing what seems fun while being flexible should anyone have a new idea of something that sounds just right for the moment.

At DRAB to FAB, unlike other conventions, you won’t find surgeons, vendors, banquet rooms, presentations, or a large group.  Because when gals do a “girls weekend” they don’t do it in a crowd.  You can’t take a crowd in to a small Caribbean restaurant on the spur of the moment.


Outside a historic building on Grand Rapids Heritage Hill area





We go OUT in the midst of the General Population (GPs).  To “The Mall”, big box clothing store, a stroll in a park, GWs, a historic women’s club for lunch.

Just like real GGs would do for a weekend away from it all.

Hat $1.50 from GWs
with additional sash
Blazer $5.99 from GWs

Skirt $2.99 from GWs
Shoes $19.00 from Ebay




Thursday we had lunch at a historic women’s club founded before Women’s Suffrage.  Back when women were not much more than property.  Subject to their parents until married.  Then the control transferred over to their husbands.  This place is all white and gold and pastel yellow.  VERY fem.  As is the lunch menu.  On tablecloth with china and silverware. 

Wait staff all dressed alike.  Elegant.  And Femme.  Makes me feel even more fem.

Next off to Catos which is a budget priced women’s clothes store. 


Hat $1.50 from GWs recolored
Spring Coat $7.99 from GWs

Skirtsuit $5.99 from GWs
Shoes $6.00 from GWs recolored



I bought a pair of light brown closed toe chunky heel platform sandals for $4.99!  On sale closeout marked down from $27.99 to $19.99 to $10.99 to $4.99.  I will change the color to white since I already have a pair of light brown closed toe sandals, albeit in a mid heel length.

Hat $1.50 from GWs recolored
Skirtsuit $5.99 from GWs
Shoes $6.00 from GWs recolored




Then to the Big Mall.  Grand Rapids has one of two in the world, a Charlotte Russe Plus Size store.  New lace dresses for less than $23.00.  The maximum price of any dress is less than $50.  Most under $40.  And plus size rings, bling, shoes.

Across the hall is Torrid with the same category of plus size clothes and accessories.

So a frenzy of shopping took place.

Then a stroll through the mall.  It must be about a quarter mile from one end to the other.  Then back.  Bu this time it is a good time to stop and have some light fare ate the food court.

All enfemme.  No one paying attention.


Time to change for clubbing.  But our meeting place had no power.  The other tennant space behind our meeting place did have power.  And in the hallway between there was an active wall outlet.  Because we NEVER cancel a meeting, I brought extension cords, multipliers, and clip lights.  Billie’s Board of Light and Power strung wire and hung lights and WALLAH!  We had a viable meeting place.

Friday and time for lunch.  This time at a sub shop that knows us by name and knows what we like to eat.  VERY cool.

Me, unidentified gal, Janet, Marci 1, Marci 2 until next week.  Then Marcy 1 becomes Marci W and Marcy 2 becomes Marcy



Then off to a big box store for some bargain shopping.  “Burlington Coat Factory” isn’t a factory at all, just a big box retailer.  With some good to even bargain pricing of items you might expect to find in Macys or Pennys.  A shopping frenzy.

Some of the gals went to a large “strip mall” across the street.

I had to get to our meeting place to get ready for our HALF WAY TO HALLOWEEN party.

As you can see.

But I had to go to Pizza Hut to pick up the pizzas.  It is only a block away.

While there some photo OPs.

And waving to the passing cars who have their windows down and are yelling compliments and whistles.

Click link for video

Miss Trumpcare waiting for pizza.

Costume from the net $20.00
Shoes $10.00 Shoe Carnival
Stockings new from GWs $2.99
Horns $3.99 from Claire’s









After the party we changed and went clubbing.

Marcy 2, Janet, Me, Kelly, unidentified gal, Nikki, Marcy 1 until next week.  Then Marcy 1 becomes Marci W and Marcy 2 becomes Marcy

Dress $5.99 Gws
Hat $3.99 Wallyworld recolored



Hat $3.99 Wallyworld recolored
Spring Coat $7.99 from GWs
Skirt $12.99 JC Pennys
Shoes $10.00 Shoe Carnival

Saturday we met at a small coney shop in downtown Grand Rapids.  Alex came along.  The best burgers in Grand Rapids and they know us by name and what we like to eat.  Happy to see us, VERY nice people.  AND good food!!!!

Then off to our meeting place to collect some more gals.

Then off to another mall because Alex had never been in a mall.  o we walked the mall fro one end to the other.  So Alex could experience Enfemme and OUT.

Hat $1.50 GWs
Dress $29.99 (!) JC Pennys on sale for $19.99
Shrug $9.99 Burlington
Shoes $10.00 Shoe Carnival


Then a gab session in the food court.  Right OUT there in the GPs.

And some photo OPs.

Dinner at THE BEST restaurant!!!  Chez Olga!  The BEST Caribbean food anywhere.  MMM!  Bliss.

Kara, Alix, Kayla, Victoria, Me, unidentified gal



Then change in to ball gowns and off to Rumors.

Crown inherited by royal decree
Dress $9.99 GWs with added straps
Beaded shrug GWs $12.99 (!)
Shoes $10.99 Shoe Carnival



Half way through the evening Any and I walked from Rumors two blocks west down Oakes Street to Ionia Street, two blocks North on Ionia to Fulton, then back three blocks south down Ionia, a U turn one block back north on Ionia, and two blocks back up Oakes to Rumors.  In a strong breeze.  Me in a huge sating ball gown with a crinoline under, a beaded shrug over, and capped with a white fur bolero.  I was, except for my feet and neckline in front, just comfy.  And my feet were really OK, just cool.  My necklie was cold going north and OK going south.  Never have these sensations dressed as a guy.  So it was maybe in the 40s.  Poor Amy was wearing organza.  Brrrrrrr!

Kara, Kayla, Jacquline, unidentified gal, Marcy 1, me.  Until next week.  Then Marcy 1 becomes Marci W

DRAB to FABulous was just right!

Feel free to leave comments on this blog.  You may also tell me if you prefer that your comments be private.  As the all powerful blogger I get to decide what shows up on the blog.  Compliments are appreciated.  Suggestions are encouraged.  Criticism will result in an army of minions beating down your door.  (Just kidding!)

You can also email me at

The Grand Illusions website is at:


Photo credits unidentified gal except when unidentified gal is in the picture.  Then either photos by passers buy or camera timer.