We all draw from a savings account funded with one deposit made by our, everyone’s, common enemy.  We draw from that account with not a care in the world but eventually we draw from it with fear.  From the idyllic wastefulness as a  child on summer vacation to the reverence of a veteran.  All, every man, woman, and child, withdrawing at EXACTLY the same rate.  Some from a seemingly limitless balance, some with the knowledge that the remaining balance will be all too little.  I am yet again reminded of this melancholy process.

My dad is dying.  Probably already gone except for the low brain functions.  His savings account is in hours, not years, soon to be in minutes then seconds.  He is unconscious, Hospice likely have him medicated to make the pain bearable.

Bearable.  Life for him has dwindled to bearable.

As a child of the depression and the Second World War, his life wasn’t easy.  But he managed, with an eighth grade education.  He seemed to always be self conscious of that, he was a voracious reader.  Perhaps his way of finishing his education.  We had TWO daily newspapers delivered, back in the glory days of newspapers, and he read both, from the first to the last page.  He was always up on current events, and those events became history, so he was up on that too.  Motorcycles, planes, boats, fixin, tearing, fixin.  We shared much.

The sixties were a tumultuous time in the USA and a tumultuous time between he and I.  I was very different from most of my peers.  Although of normal height, I was never physically large, never aggressive in behavior.  I was a gentle person hiding in an aggressive society.  My dad and I butted heads because of my “idols” like the Beatles, my hair length, and my zest for life.  At times this discord turned almost, I can’t really use abusive, can’t really use violent, but it wasn’t compassionate, not understanding, more force than guidance.  Much damage was done to our relationship over the years.  Being his child was not easy for me or my sister.  Perhaps much harder for her.  Culture and circumstance allowed me to escape via miles.  Maybe she could have, but most of the girls, young women, of her time stayed close to their birth cities.  It took decades but, facilitated by his wife, not my mother (divorced) but an angel I love, my dad and I forged a workable relationship.  Not exactly on his terms alone, but with very little control by me.  I could control the frequency and duration of the visits, he controlled everything else.  I always respected him as a child should a parent.  After all, he was the one who got up and went to work, at times to a job he didn’t like, so we could eat and have a place to live.  He provided the discipline (and at times abuse) that laid my foundation.  We forged a renewed relationship, far from perfect, but built on mutual respect.  And it worked.  For us.

I just received a call from his wife with news that hospice says today will be his last.  So I have to drive the hundred miles each way, the same miles I have been driving every day for a while, to be with her.  To help her because she has done so much for he and therefore I.  She is an angel and I love her very much.  I tell her how thankful I am for her and that I love her every time I talk to her, which is at least weekly.

While writing this my dad went from days to hours to maybe seconds.

I probably won’t shed a tear for him even though  I did for other people in my life who died.  Our relationship was difficult for me.  It saddens me to see him at the end.  So much life.  So much energy.  Now helpless.  Like the passengers on a rollercoaster as it passes over the top, the clinking of the ratchets end, and the feeling of gravity taking over.  The INEVATIBILITY of it.  So sad.  Maybe I will cry.  I feel like crying now.  But my life has hardened me.  The shared history has hardened me.  It isn’t that I don’t care, it isn’t that I can’t.  It is held up by too much debris.  Some from him.  Some from others.  Some just life.  While I watch my account dwindle to a balance I don’t know.

Oh how I miss my mother.  If I could have two things, the second would be to tell her how much I appreciate her.  She had a very very hard life.  Beyond description.

All of us are drawing from our personal savings accounts at exactly the same rate.  We don’t know how much our common enemy has put in via the single deposit made at the time of our birth, but we all draw out at the EXACT same rate.  The account receives NO interest.  You have what you got minus what you draw out.  You CAN NOT control the withdrawals.  You HAVE NO control over the one deposit.

But you CAN spend wisely.

People, our enemies are not each other.

Our common enemy is TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

USE IT WISELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those struggling with what wise is, wise equals:
Not destroying
Not destroying
Not greed
Not rejecting
Enjoying our differences
Not bigotry

Such Melancholy,

9/1/2016 @ 1:17AM
I am back home now.  He died peacefully just twelve hours after I posted.  I was by his side when he drew his last breath.  Someone who was with me from my beginning is no longer.  That portion of the tumultuous part of my life is over.
RIP dad!




2016 08 15

On Thursday August 11th I gathered up seven outfits and packaged things so I had three per day and a spare.  Then I loaded the first two in to my vehicle and set the first one ready for Friday morning.

I was OUT enfemme all day Friday August 12th.  Bright and early at 8:00am I began transitioning.  By noon I was OUT the door going first to a couple of GWs, and a few SAs.  I found a great pair of stiletto boots for six bucks.  I was looking for a pair to color bright red.  Now I have them.  I like shrugs because they cover my arms a bit helping my illusion.  I found a great black bolero jacket in a brocade with lace around the neck, down the front and around the bottom with the closures that look like twirls of round ribbon and a round button to go in the loop.  And a red open weave sweater with a collar and covered buttons, but too long.  Since it is a knit and hemmed, I will be able to shorten it and make it work better for me.   It will become a one button bolero.  I will sew the extra buttons on the cuffs on the short sleeves.  And make a sash for a hat out of the extra material.  An easy job.


Friday  was an IN meeting  and I had to pick up some soda and ice.  Everyone chips in $7.00.  I have to pay a bit out of my funds to keep this going.  I don’t make anything, actually The Group costs me around $1500 to $2000 per year.  But I enjoy it and don’t want to collect dues.  And the $1500 – $2000 is in effect a donation to GR Pride (The Network).  It was POURING rain outside so I slipped out of my fuchsia platform sandals that I wore to three GWs and two SAs and trudged through the rain and puddles to go grocery shopping.  It is amazing that I can feel every raindrop that hits my legs and the top of my feet.  Totally different from pants, socks, and shoes which are all encompassing and the same winter, spring, summer, fall, dress, casual, work, date.  Going through the grocery store I was all but ignored.  I LOVE that!  But I did receive a compliment on my dress.


A gal from Elmhurst, Ill came.  And a gal from Spain via the Detroit suburbs.   Both a delight.  Three from Kalamazoo, two from Muskegon, another from Lansing, and some from Grand Rapids.  Eleven for a HOT Friday is VERY good.  After pizza and a gab fest, we all went to The BOB and danced in HOME to a rhythm and blues band playing sixties and seventies songs.  They were quite good.  The crowd was accepting and everything went well.  I wore a crinkle blouse and a tired skirt from GWs.


Made it home by 1:00am and to sleep by 2:00am.  That means I was in heels and corset from 11:00am through 1:00am the next day.  Fourteen hours.  Whew.

Back at it again Saturday morning getting ready at 8:00am.  First I had to rotate the outfits out of and in to the vehicle.  Then transform, a considerable process.  Then OUT the door by noon for a bit of a drive.  I met Amy and Janet at Noodles in Grandville.  The manager is always very kind addressing us as ladies.  I have brought quite a few people in to this Noodles for their first experience with Noodles.  Thus far absolutely perfect.

dscn8542rWe went to Dress Barn and Amy found some dresses that were 50% off and had to go with her.  Sadly Cheryl wasn’t working there any more.  I got some great pictures with the mirrors.  Jackie met up with us.  These gals are great fun.dscn8543r

We walked Rivertown Mall.  Janet found a FANTASTIC T top at Victoria’s Secret.  Fantastic because she looked GREAT in it.  We were all but ignored as we walked the mal from one end to the other on one floor and back on the other floor.  Michelle found some purses, Amy fond some bling, and Jackie and I just reveled in the joy of being OUT.

dscn8544rWe changed and had dinner at Johnny B’s.  Then changed and went to The BOB, a leather hair band  was playing and quite good.

dscn8546rTo be honest, it doesn’t always go perfect.  Sometimes people expose their own weaknesses.  As I was dancing, not three feet to my right, a woman probably with the band, was facing the band, almost oblivious to me, with her finger down her throat, pretending she was trying to throw up.  Now I have learned that people are intent on exposing their weaknesses, so this doesn’t phase me.  I did find it ironic that a woman, slovenly dressed, hair a mess, was making signs about us to a band of middle aged guys with stringy hair down to and past their shoulders wearing leather, some slashed leather exposing skin, looking kind of greasy, playing songs about love from the eighties.  Perhaps it was a toss up who looked more out of place.

There was also a large group celebrating a woman’s 23rd birthday.  At first they were taken aback.  Perhaps we were the first “trans” people they have ever been exposed to in their minds.  The reality is they have been around trans people their whole lives, they just didn’t know.  We are a bit more obvious.  After an hour or so of avoiding us, but all the time looking at us, their walls started to fall.  We were having fun and we kinda know how to draw people in.  Now some of them were watching us from their seats since the beginning, watching, some taking discreet pictures, and a few women beaming with delight.  But after an hour or so some started dancing with us and that is when they started with the usual…………………………

Are you gay?

No, actually most of us are married, some have grandchildren.

Are you trans?

A few are trans but mostly we are just a bunch of regular guys having some fun.

Not an unusual night at all.

And we are having……………

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All Sauced Up

Larry leg pink2016 08 04

12 two copsMy life has been enriched more by the people who are not like me than by the people who are.8 PH manager

9 MojosBut to be perfectly clear, the one person who has enriched my life the most, perhaps more than everyone else combined, is my beloved SO.  I am fortunate beyond anything I could ever describe enough to get anyone to understand.  She is the Caribbean spice in my Cajun chicken that tastes SO good.

But this is about the other people.  The ones I would not have sought out before CDing.  The dishes that I would not have experienced because I would not usually go in that restaurant.  It wasn’t in my dining comfort zone.10 Nurse

2 Outside rumors





3 Bridesmaid ball

4 Larry leg redImagine making a pot of spaghetti sauce.  Two measures of tomato sauce and one of tomato paste.  Heated and simmering on the stove.  You taste it and it’s kind of bland.  So you add two more measures of tomato sauce and one of tomato paste.  You simmer it for a longer time and taste it.  It still tastes bland.  This is like someone’s life spent entirely in their comfort zone.  Never seeing the world from someone else’s view.  No matter how much more of the same you add, it does not delight the taste buds.  It isn’t until you add the different tastes via the spice that the tomato sauce and tomato paste becomes the spaghetti sauce.  Only with the spices does the previously mundane become delicious.

5 1st batchloretteOur lives are like that too.  If we are stuck, without different (in our mind) people, we would all be the same and dull.


Larry leg standing

Bob HOME womanI just can not understand why everyone does not revel in our differences.  It is our differences that make us worth being friends.  Worth enjoying each other’s company.  Experiencing life through a different but fundamentally same viewpoint.

7 Larry on SantaFundamentally the same because just about everyone loves their mother, wants some respect, a bit of prosperity, feels hurt when shunned, warms up to a kind smile, a warm place in the winter, a dry place in the summer, and some kind of gainful employment.dscn8404rtrsz

14 Bachelorete HOME15 KylieI was with some sweet friends the other night.  We have some extreme differences and yet we are alike in almost every way.  I truly enjoy seeing the world through their eyes.  I have learned from them. I likely didn’t have much to offer them. They enriched my life and I am a better and happier person as a result.13 Bachelorete HOME guys














16 Rob leg outside17 Holding Larry up

Thank you two!

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