IS GENDER BINARY?
2016 02 26
This isn’t about what you think.
No it isn’t even about male – female.
It is about born with it and happy with it (cis) versus transitioning. There I said it. The bad thing. “Versus”
I started a Social and Support Group for anyone presenting as a gender not usually associated with their genetics. At the time there was no such group in the Grand Rapids area That I Could Find. Through the graces of The LGBT Network in Grand Rapids our Group was allowed the use of the facility. We can not express our gratitude enough. THANK YOU!
The Group went along for a few months and one thing became apparent. There were two conversation paths. The majority, when they could get a word in edgewise, wanted to discuss their need for presenting as women although they were born men. The minority, who tended to be the most vocal, wanted to discuss HRT, SRS, and all things trans. I didn’t make this up, BTW. But whenever one group would get the conversation the other would be waiting for their chance to wrestle the conversation back to their needs. Completely understandable. Imagine a gathering of motorcyclists and sports car owners. One person talking at a time please. First is a rousing discussion about how they have lived their entire life in shame but finally decided that driving a sports car is something they HAVE to do. And if it should be done dressed appropriately, even what is the appropriate dress, and while they are at it, might as well look good while doing it, shaved legs or tights. Then the motorcyclists get their turn and discuss their angst that their parents gave them A CAR! They just can’t even stand to be in that car! So they went out and got a motorcycle on their own. And then the conversation morphed over to which motorcycle was a true motorcycle. A motorcycle is supposed to be fast and nimble and the big heavy cruiser bikes are shameful because they are more for show than doing the real riding. Almost as heavy and lumbering as A CAR! And so the group split up. And it really should have. Lumping the bikers and the sports car lovers in to one Group would not work. Just because they wanted to enjoy winding their way along a country road, because they wanted to experience the performance, the wind in their hair, doesn’t make the conversation ToTaLlY c0mpAt!ble.
And then the State had to raise the license fee on “non essential luxury vehicles” clogging up the roads, wasting gas, in the way of the vast majority of the population. And besides it was increased revenue from a fractured minority.
So the motorcyclists and the sports car owners, and yes the power boaters and the sailors (even though they hardly ever use their engines, only until they get the sails up) found they had to ban together to get heard, to aid each other, to make the State realize that although the majority think that the car is the only way, that the other modes of transportation have their place in this wonderful diverse traffic jam. Whew! Because until those groups got together and woke up the general population, the State was even thinking that there was no need for red, pink, yellow, blue, green, orange, or white cars. To make things more uniform only silver and black cars were going to be allowed, and only in a design by some person who did the Smart Car. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Sorry. I dosed off there. Once the general population realized that driving was going to be VERY DULL, that they would have No Choice, they rallied around the MScPbS Network (MotorcyclesSportsCarsPowerBoatsandSailors Network) and everyone was saved from total uniformity. Children could again ponder what way they would travel through life instead of only Black or Gray, as the State supported choices”. The MScPbS was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, huge sums were donated to Billie’s election PAC from the car companies, those that were not choices as the State Car and therefore facing imminent insolvency, and Billie Anne Jean was crowned Miss Universe (of a not general universe anyway). The world was saved. Hey, this is my story!
And The Group really did split up. I started a Trans Group at The Network because I could see that one Group wasn’t serving the needs of the non binary attendees. And fortunately some people stepped up, very capable facilitators, WAY better for their role than I, and ran the Trans Group from there. Applause please for them. All I really did was plant the seed.
But there is another non binary thing to consider. Are we cis or trans? Is that a valid concept? I mean the OR question.
I have about a hundred people on my email mailing list. Of that hundred something over 5% started with The Grand Illusions and after finding acceptance, were able to consider their gender in a welcoming environment, and realized that transitioning was their path. These five or six, BTW, are happily transitioning. Sure they have had problems at home, lives disrupted, jobs lost, financial uncertainty. But they know that there is a group of half siblings, second cousins, members of our Group, who welcomed them and totally accepted them. Even though they only shared some genes. It wasn’t required that they shared all genes. They are happy with themselves and their choice and their path and their future. Maybe it has something to do with the focus of The Grand Illusions. No Judgements. No pecking order. No expectations. Just acceptance, comfort as desired, and most importantly FUN! An escape from the world.
Of that hundred about 30% say they would transition if……..if……..if……..if…….IF. Financial considerations. Family. Spouses. Public humiliation. Religion. Appearance. All valid. All holding them to where they might not be at peace with themselves.
Of that hundred just about all have been crossdressing since childhood. Maybe 5% started late in life. Maybe 5% do it for fun.
Of that hundred FOUR do it for the sexual thrill. FOUR. And unfortunately they exhibited their thrill in how they presented. Spandex, stripper wear, hems almost to their junk. Behaving in a manner to attract attention. These four didn’t last long. Usually one meeting. The longest was three or four meetings. Then we tell them that they are not a good fit.
The vast majority of the membership don’t want to be noticed. They want to be ignored, to blend in to the general population. Then their outward appearance and The Acceptance of it by the public, finally match how they feel inside. Even though they can’t or won’t go the “full Monty”. It is NOT about sex. They don’t get any sexual pleasure out of it. They get peace, VALIDATION, pardon for their sins out of it.
The vast majority HAVE to crossdress. If they don’t they get depressed. Some maybe once in a while is enough. They tell me their SOs know when it is time to bring out their other self. Some need it once a week. A few need it for a short time every day. Some of all of these groups would do it more if they could. But all HAVE TO, to be happy. To be themselves. All but maybe me. I am the jester. I do it purely for fun, and because of The Group, I am able to help some people in a minor way.
Because we go OUT enfemme in the general public, we are the only obvious face of the LGBTQ population to many that we meet. We didn’t choose this. We are trying to disappear. They choose us. Perhaps because we are having fun. Perhaps we seem approachable. Perhaps it is just because we are OUT there. Or maybe because the best dressed gals in the place are over six feet tall and size 18. Nearly every time I am OUT, someone stops me and tells me about their son, daughter, cousin, nephew, uncle, co-worker, neighbor, friend who is trans, gay, “non conforming”. I am an involuntary, default ambassatrix for the LGBTQ community, even if it is just in that person’s eyes. I provide information about the other Groups at The Network. I may even be helping someone I never met.
So do we conduct a test to see how far along the spectrum each person is? Or do we accept that each has a place and, like the MScPbS people, there is a benefit in mutual support? That just because someone isn’t an ardent motorcyclist, that just because that person also owns a car (gasp) for the sake of their family, or a pickup truck (GASP) because they are a carpenter, just because they have something with four wheels and will keep it, that person still is some percentage like us and will offer aid should they spot us broke down on the side of the road. That person will give us a bit of space while in the pickup, not tailgating us when we are on our motorcycle. That person will stand by us should the State attempt to make owning a “non essential luxury vehicle” a financial crime, just because we share a tiny bit and are welcoming to each other. A concept called mutually supportive.
Or do we prefer to focus on our percentages of how a sport bike is better than a cruiser motorcycle?
No pictures because this is serious.
But I am still having
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