On the loss of loved ones
My heart breaks as I watched you deteriorate.
My first love. In the beginning this was all I had. It was so thrilling, all I needed. I entered a new phase of my life as a result. At first the love was all one sided. I was infatuated but it was hard to get to know each other. I hurt a little for the relationship. If we spent too much time together, it became an irritation. But I was so much in love I was insistent that we spend time together. Eventually I toughened to the little irritations and we began to accept each other. My desire, joy, comfort, and support. I could not have crossdressed without them. And crossdressing is SUCH fun!
Sadly, time has a way of changing things. Time can be cruel.
I wept over the inevitable.
Over time we grew apart. It was entirely my fault. They did not change. They had their personality and it never changed, neither did the irritations. Oh maybe we kind of worked in to each other, but they were still cruel in their way, not easy like their less uppity cousins. Then I started cheating……….
Over time I found others that seemed to be more exciting. Some were less irritating, some were a little more. A few were a whole lot more irritating but because of their presence, their aura, I felt better about myself, in spite of the problems. A few were too uppity and their very presence caused me enough irritation that I could not tolerate them for more than a short while. My relationship with them was best if it didn’t go very far. We could tolerate each other if we limited it. I didn’t take long for me to realize that this group of friends had distinct personalities, and they therefore, affected my mood and self esteem differently. But I love them all and am uplifted just spending time with them. Even the cruelest ones.
Sadness overwhelms me at what must come to pass.
It is amazing the sheer variety my crossdressing friends have, but variety is the spice of life. Another thing I learned is, through their personalities, their self expression, their attitude, they can change me. Change my moods. Change my feelings of accomplishment. Make me feel powerful and beautiful. Make me feel accomplished or comfortable in myself, but rarely together. They can make me feel like I am an unsuccessful imposter, humiliate me, or even cause pain and suffering. It depends on their mood.
If I draw from their attitude, variety, their pizzaz, their subtleness, their suggestiveness, I can add a tint to my self expression. Even change myself from one extreme to another. This part of our association is the most enjoyable, the amazing variety. If they are in a subdued mood, and my projection is also subdued, as long as mine fits theirs, we get along well. For small differences, I discovered, my attitude changes to fit theirs. I am not surprised because they are the ones that support me. If they are aggressive, but don’t make me pay for it, then I become more outgoing, even more flamboyant, some times more beautiful. Usually I am pretty well defined but when I am with my friends, they become the leaders, especially if we spend enough time together.
Even the comfort of new babies can’t erase the pain of your decline.
But my first love is dying. It is so sad. We have been together the longest of my cossdressing friends. I have tried to provide a new lease on life. Even adding a splash of color cannot hide the sad fact that time is catching up to our relationship. Perhaps my early enthusiasm was what set the hourglass sand running too fast. Every time we are together I am reminded of the special excitement this helped me find. Each time we are together I think back about the feelings I had when we first met. The feeling that I was doing something forbidden, that I would be found out and exposed. I remember the anticipation of the undiscovered world out there that this would take me to. I remember all the time spent together, all of the things I learned. So sad to see this relationship fade.
There can never be a second first love.
So time moves on, but it can be cruel, and it definitely shows. And it is ALL my fault. I did not abuse but more like over used their support and life. So now they are dying. I am trying to decide if I should continue the relationship even after they lose all their vitality. I could take them out and reminisce together about all the good times, but that would remind me of their fading. So sad. Or I could let them go, but that seems so insensitive. Just cast them to their inevitable fates. They knew that this day would come, hiding knowledge of the future from me as long as they could. My naiveté did not let me see what I should have known from the beginning……….
My friends have passed.
Farewell dear friends, I could have never done this without you, you were my first, you were my support, thank you! My beloved size 11 silver glitter peep toe platform ankle strap pumps. You two were my first. I will always remember you! Sniff, sniff.