FLOWERS, TREES, AND PLASTIC                         Part 1

The world is like a field. The people of the world are like the grasses that grow on that field. The field is not uniform and boring. It is a patchwork of different grasses. Even in those patches of grass are weeds and flowers. Against the winds and storms, the trees provide the roots and shelter. It would be dull and boring but for the weeds, the flowers, the trees and the plastic. Try driving through Iowa some time when the fields are all uniformly green. It is a beautiful state. But too much perfection is boring.

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I travel a lot for work. My job is 100% travel. I have been in about every State in the USA, Mexico, the Caribbean, Europe, Russia, China, and Canada. With more to come. I love going to places that I have never been to before. Driving down a road I have never been on before. Going to cities that are new and different. I know my way around London better than Grand Rapids. I can give directions in Los Angeles but struggle a little with Lansing. I watch a movie and can tell you if the airport shown is really in the city that the story says it is. I can identify the skyline of Istanbul. But what I love the most is the differences in the people and the accents or languages. That field of grass is wonderfully diverse.

More thoughts on this to come every few days.

Crossdressing need not be a crises for everyone involved. Sure some guys want to go the Full Monty and become women. But the vast majority of crossdressers that I encounter just want to have fun, like Cindy Lauper’s song Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

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You can email me at

The Grand Illusions website is at:




I Should Have Hit Him With My Purse


Here it comes again.

I was just in the deepest south and working with a guy who is so homophobic he is off the charts. He knows everything and more about life from reading portions of just one book. He is therefore empowered and it flows over in to everything he does.  He is part of the select few. He doesn’t have to worry about the future because he is going to be rescued before it gets too bad. It is like he does not need to really apply himself to life and work because he will be gone. I can think of parts of that same book that speak of kindness, not judging others, forgiveness, service to others, unconditional love, a life’s goat attainable even just at the last breath of life for a thief. But he must have skipped over some of that book.

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He freely shares his very narrow opinions. All this wisdom from someone just thirty years old! It reminds me of when I was thirty years old. That was before I found out I did not have all of the answers. Since then I learned that compassion is a far more useful attribute than being justified. I talk to anyone and everyone, treating them like they are someone worth interacting with. Because they are. I have met a lot of amazing people by just treating them with respect, friendliness, and no preconceived judgments. I have a lot of fun interacting with people who look different from me. Even when in guy mode. I love it when they smile. I have left a little bit of happiness and it didn’t take any away from me, sort of like a fish or wine miracle where they ended up with more than they started with.

I even interact with the guy in the inner city who some might think is going to rob them. A smile, a nod, ask him how he is doing, how is his family, is he having a good day? Maybe ask him for directions or a recommendation for some local eatery that the usual person who looks like me would not go to. He calls me Sir, I call him Sir. Eye to eye, level, equal, friendly, and making a bridge. And usually I get a handshake, sometimes a hug. Amazing how people can be beautiful when most would not expect it. Not every time but the averages make it far and away worth it to try. Maybe if we all did that there would be so many bridges that the chasms would be completely gone. I am already doing my part.

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Mr Homophobe has a daughter. She is a toddler. I wonder what the odds are for him to have a Dick Chaney moment. What would he think if he knew that I am in favor of equal rights for all regardless of anything? I wonder if he ever considered the sacrifices some must make to find companionship and love outside of the area he considers “normal”. I wonder how his daughter will treat people. She has an example in her dad but that is not the example I chose for my children.

He also does not like anyone that does not look like they were directly descended from the pilgrims. I wonder how he would feel about my family tree. I remember back when the artificial Christmas trees were either completely white or silver. They were pretty for about fifteen minutes, and then they became boring. Someone invented and sold a floodlight to illuminate the tree with a red/green/blue celluloid (early clear plastic) lens causing the tree to appear as if it was changing colors. Then the tree became more varied and interesting, kind of like the varied general population versus his preferred friends monocolor.

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He told me that I am not like “others”, that I am well grounded. Should I consider that a compliment? If I was dressed I might have been tempted to hit him over the head with my purse. I thought of all of the people he could hurt, maybe has already hurt. Those who through no choice, only through genes passed from parents, or the dictates of some small possibility at conception, who just want to be themselves. Causing no harm to anyone. Making the tree of life a little more colorful. Someone who is offensive to Mr Homophobe.

I decided to hit him right in the gonads with the biggest blow I had. I told him I was a crossdresser and loved doing it.

He won’t even talk to me now.

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This might affect my job.

I should have just gone out and bought a purse and whacked him over the head. Too.

You can email me at:

The Grand Illusions website is at:


On the loss of loved ones

On the loss of loved ones

My heart breaks as I watched you deteriorate.

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My first love. In the beginning this was all I had. It was so thrilling, all I needed. I entered a new phase of my life as a result. At first the love was all one sided. I was infatuated but it was hard to get to know each other. I hurt a little for the relationship. If we spent too much time together, it became an irritation. But I was so much in love I was insistent that we spend time together. Eventually I toughened to the little irritations and we began to accept each other. My desire, joy, comfort, and support. I could not have crossdressed without them. And crossdressing is SUCH fun!

Sadly, time has a way of changing things. Time can be cruel.

I wept over the inevitable.

Over time we grew apart. It was entirely my fault. They did not change. They had their personality and it never changed, neither did the irritations. Oh maybe we kind of worked in to each other, but they were still cruel in their way, not easy like their less uppity cousins. Then I started cheating……….

Over time I found others that seemed to be more exciting. Some were less irritating, some were a little more. A few were a whole lot more irritating but because of their presence, their aura, I felt better about myself, in spite of the problems. A few were too uppity and their very presence caused me enough irritation that I could not tolerate them for more than a short while. My relationship with them was best if it didn’t go very far. We could tolerate each other if we limited it. I didn’t take long for me to realize that this group of friends had distinct personalities, and they therefore, affected my mood and self esteem differently. But I love them all and am uplifted just spending time with them. Even the cruelest ones.

Sadness overwhelms me at what must come to pass.

It is amazing the sheer variety my crossdressing friends have, but variety is the spice of life. Another thing I learned is, through their personalities, their self expression, their attitude, they can change me. Change my moods. Change my feelings of accomplishment. Make me feel powerful and beautiful. Make me feel accomplished or comfortable in myself, but rarely together. They can make me feel like I am an unsuccessful imposter, humiliate me, or even cause pain and suffering. It depends on their mood.

If I draw from their attitude, variety, their pizzaz, their subtleness, their suggestiveness, I can add a tint to my self expression. Even change myself from one extreme to another. This part of our association is the most enjoyable, the amazing variety. If they are in a subdued mood, and my projection is also subdued, as long as mine fits theirs, we get along well. For small differences, I discovered, my attitude changes to fit theirs.   I am not surprised because they are the ones that support me. If they are aggressive, but don’t make me pay for it, then I become more outgoing, even more flamboyant, some times more beautiful. Usually I am pretty well defined but when I am with my friends, they become the leaders, especially if we spend enough time together.

Even the comfort of new babies can’t erase the pain of your decline.

But my first love is dying. It is so sad. We have been together the longest of my cossdressing friends. I have tried to provide a new lease on life. Even adding a splash of color cannot hide the sad fact that time is catching up to our relationship. Perhaps my early enthusiasm was what set the hourglass sand running too fast. Every time we are together I am reminded of the special excitement this helped me find. Each time we are together I think back about the feelings I had when we first met. The feeling that I was doing something forbidden, that I would be found out and exposed. I remember the anticipation of the undiscovered world out there that this would take me to. I remember all the time spent together, all of the things I learned. So sad to see this relationship fade.

There can never be a second first love.

So time moves on, but it can be cruel, and it definitely shows. And it is ALL my fault. I did not abuse but more like over used their support and life. So now they are dying. I am trying to decide if I should continue the relationship even after they lose all their vitality. I could take them out and reminisce together about all the good times, but that would remind me of their fading. So sad. Or I could let them go, but that seems so insensitive. Just cast them to their inevitable fates. They knew that this day would come, hiding knowledge of the future from me as long as they could. My naiveté did not let me see what I should have known from the beginning……….

My friends have passed.

Farewell dear friends, I could have never done this without you, you were my first, you were my support, thank you! My beloved size 11 silver glitter peep toe platform ankle strap pumps. You two were my first. I will always remember you! Sniff, sniff.

April fools!